Letter to My Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats:

When I ask you to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positionswith each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The otherdishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print inthe middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becomingyour food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in theslightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beatingme to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because Ifall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry aboutthis. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure yourcomfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curlup in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each otherstretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that stickingtails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end tomaximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. Those cases the compactdiscs come in are to protect the disc and not a crunchy outer shell witha free Frisbee prize inside.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If bysome miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is notnecessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your pawunder the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through thesame door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. Icannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it may be an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughterwho is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Lastly, I'll try to keep in mind that dogs and cats are better than kids.
They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train,
usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang outwith drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buyingthe latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollarsfor college, and! if they do get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Sincerely,
Your Owner